Breadcrumbing

This isn't turning into 'Bread of the Week', I promise. But there's an idea...

breadcrumbing

BRED-crumm-ing

noun

The act of leading someone on with small, inconsistent signs of interest without real intent to commit

Dear readers, I have had quite the week. I was casually cobwebbing, as one does, when the person I had benched started exhibiting all kinds of beige flags, so I turned to my ongoing situationship for attention, hoping that we can soft launch soon, only to be ghosted by a person who turned out to be a catfish. I am distraught.

Now if, like me, you think that the preceding paragraph may as well have been written in Indonesian, you are not alone. The language involved in the modern world of dating is as baffling and opaque as the act of modern dating itself. However, your trusty amateur lexicologist is here to guide you through the quagmire of nonsense that has mushroomed when it comes to modern, particularly online dating, so you can navigate the terrain with confidence (or throw up your hands in despair at how awful it is and prepare for life in a nunnery). We will start with the more familiar terminology, before looking at stuff that might be more obscure.

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breadcrumbing

We kick off with the inspiration for this week’s word(s), which I learned a few weeks ago and can only assume comes from a misreading of Hansel and Gretel. In the Grimm brothers’ fairy tale the lost children leave a trail of breadcrumbs that they can follow to safety and prevent their getting lost in the woods. In the modern world of dating, ‘breadcrumbing’ means leaving a trail of digital breadcrumbs that keep someone interested enough to not abandon the venture, but you’re not going to give them any more than that.

ghosting

Probably the most well known of the entries in this dating lexicon, ‘ghosting’ refers to suddenly cutting off all communication with somebody with no explanation or warning. Presumably this was coined because ghosts can’t communicate with the living (or can they?) - hard to find when it first appeared in general use but seems to be around 2015.

catfishing

‘Catfishing’ is another well-known term and basically means pretending to be someone else. The term entered mainstream usage in 2010 thanks to a documentary of the same name describing the phenomenon. The word itself comes from an urban legend (I can’t actually tell if this really happens) about catfish being shipped in the same containers as cod, because this somehow prevents the cod from getting stressed and then leading to inferior quality fish. The slightly less extreme version of catfishing is apparently known as ‘kittenfishing’, and presenting yourself as more progressive than you really are is known as ‘wokefishing’. Who knew?

gaslighting

I have mentioned on this blog before how ‘gaslighting’ has entered general currency and seems to have been taken up by many people as a harsher synonym for ‘lying’. It is actually more serious than that, and lying is just one of the tools in the gaslighter’s toolbox. ‘Gaslighting’ refers to making someone else doubt the evidence of their own senses, and comes from the title of Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 play Gas Light, wherein a husband tries to convince his wife she’s going mad.

love bombing

Lavishing a new partner with affection, gifts, attention, grand gestures and constant contact. Usually found in the early stages of a new relationship and frequently seen as the first step on a ladder of abusive manipulation - the idea being to create some kind of psychological dependency in the love bomb-ee. The fact that the term seems to have been borrowed from those who describe experiences of cult members and how cults operate should tell you all you need to know.

situationship

A frequent entry in 2023’s Word of the Year lists, this is a truly awful word that I loathe deeply. It seems to mean a relationship in which neither party is clear about their intentions. Any number of ‘Where are we?’ or ‘What is this?’ misunderstandings from 90s sitcoms come to mind, and remind us of the perils of a lack of clear communication when it comes to intimacy. At least in a ‘friends with benefits’ situation, everyone is clear about their intentions.

red flag, green flag, beige flag

Disappointingly little to do with motorsport. Green flags are positive, compatible traits that someone possesses. Red flags are negative, potentially harmful traits. Beige flags are not necessarily good or bad, but they are dull, boring and show a lack of interest in dating (apparently - other sources suggest that they are idiosyncrasies that could go either way, like being an avid trainspotter).

cobwebbing

Refers to dusting off the cobwebs of an old flame or one night stand or partner or situationship (see, I’m with it).

benching

Related, I suppose, to breadcrumbing, ‘benching’ refers to having several potential partners on the go at once ‘on the bench’ - presumably taken from the world of sports where someone ‘on the bench’ can replace someone else (perhaps they exhibited too many beige flags?) quickly.

(the) ick

Popular for a time on social media, and made popular, I believe, through those intellectual titans on Love Island, ‘the ick’ is an instant turn off - something about someone that makes you recoil. I think it’s usually used when referring to someone with whom you are already in a relationship, but I’m over an hour into the ‘research’ for this and I’m starting to think it’s all bollocks so, use it however you like, frankly.

soft launching

To ‘soft launch’ a partner is to make a post on social media that hints about your relationship in a subtle or cryptic way. Perhaps it’s a photograph of two coffees on a table, or a selfie with a blurred figure in the background taken in front of the Eiffel Tower or something. I’ve got no idea, people are just making stuff up at this point. Contrast this with ‘hard launch’ which is unambiguous in its intent.

zombieing

The ‘iei’ vowel combination in the middle of this word makes me uneasy but there we go - ‘Zombieing’ is what happens when a ghost comes back. Usually not accompanied by any acknowledgement of prior ghosting behaviour or any kind of apology. Maybe they’re cobwebbing?

yawning abyss of existential dread

How I feel after learning about (and, I must admit, experiencing) the awful things people do to one another in the social-media mediated world of modern dating. It’s enough to make one want to opt out altogether, but then you’d be Emma Watson talking about being ‘self partnered’ and it’s hard to decide which is worse.

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Anyway - did you enjoy another instance of what we might call Word of the Week Jargon Buster? I’ve previously tackled corporate nonsense as well. Are there any other fields that I should look at?